Pazzesco!
Pazzesco!

Thursday, May 19, 2005


de-hymenization
I was leaping through the internet yesterday and landed upon an article concerning female and male virginity. It led to a discussion of the first time sex process as well as the events that should lead up to it. By events I mean certain sexual acts that will help make first time sex easier. Now of course this has less to do with the male anatomy for a male virgin is physically no different from a non-virgin; except the male non-virgin carries himself a little taller. However, physically for a female there is a big difference in being a virgin and not being one. Surprise surprise right? This is nothing groundbreaking; its not like I just realized this. What grabbed my attention the most is the whole concept of the de-hymenization.

I have to bow down to you ladies out there reading this. I'll have you know that in reading said article I came across a descriptive account of the tearing of the hymen. The minute I read this I winced in discomfort, as my manhood receded in hiding due to the concept of the tearing of one's genital region. It took me about a good thirty seconds to get comfortable in reading it again because I just couldn't fathom anything like that happening to my manhood. I'll have to honestly say the feeling I felt was more painful than I would if a guy would get kicked square in the nuts. Why? Because as a guy I've felt that pain before and I know how to handle it. But tearing anything down there would cause nothing but indescribable pain. And I'd be sure guys would agree with me: If i went into a descriptive rant on how the hymen can tear not only because of first time sex, but because of rigorous activity, tampons, or any other orbital insertions most male readers would cringe at the thought. Like you could be running and be like "Oops, there goes my hymen."

Man, does it suck for you women. Birth, hymens, periods...you really got the shaft (hehe) when it comes to genitalia. Sure the vagina is a far more attractive being than the penis, but the pain that comes with it is forged by Lucifer himself. And how do we guys respond? We pound away at it like a piece of meat. I suggest one thing to the fellas: pay a little more attention to your woman and her vagina, they've been through a lot together. Take care of them both as you would a delicate flower...unless of course she asks you to fuck her so deep that you come out her other end. Then it's ok.

QUICK NOTE: I'm hungry.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


i got a fever only tacos can stop
It has been far too long since I've done a review of some kind of food. I think the last time was the great Squagel adventure of '04. Since then I've either been too busy or haven't found anything worth talking about. About a month ago I did. It's nothing ground breaking, just convenient and fresh, like Jesus. And this isn't only a food, this is a whole establishment. It’s called Moe's. It is one of those fresh burrito places, like Chipotle, but cooler, and having nothing to do with awful McDonalds. So what makes this place warrant a treatment here? A number of things actually. Let's discuss.

First the decor is very eccentric: alternative colored paintings of famous classic celebrities adorn the walls, the paint scheme is similar to the logo, and the music varies from Hendrix to Sinatra and even the Grateful Dead. Obviously, they aren't trying to appeal to anyone age group in particular. This helps the place be a little more approachable, unlike the Apple Store. Its also not dirty, like Mcdonalds, so we're past shitty fast food. Another pleasant feature is the menu. When you check the website, look at the menu. The menu choices are names of sub-culture references varying from Seinfeld to Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. It's not much, but the random names make things a little more interesting. Finally, the food is good. Now, I've been to another one of these fresh burrito places, a non-chain establishment called En Fuego. It was very good, so I was expecting the food at Moe’s to not measure up to those standards, what with it being a chain. I was pleasantly surprised. Its all very fresh, they offer vegetarian options, and an endless supply of nachos (my favorite.) The food is prepared ala-car wash where you move down the line watching from behind the glass and nothing is pre-wrapped or pre-assembled. All in all it gets my seal of approval.

Unfortunately there are a couple of things we have to worry about here. Right now its pretty much uncorrupted by the corporate culture. What I'm afraid of is the Starbucks effect. Aptly named for the coffee giant and the way it spread like a plague upon all of humanity. I've seen it happen to another up and comer: Cold-Stone ice cream. A year ago there was only one that I knew of. Now...there are three at school, three at home, and three up by Erika. They are sprouting like mold spores and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. As for Moe's? Well originally I only knew of one at work, but actually there are two by Erika, and one by school that I didn't know about. I hope they don't become so over marketed that you can't go anywhere without seeing one. Who knows, in time we may be able to only get food at select locations with alternative decor and oversized dinner ware. Until then I suggest you enjoy Moe's wherever you can.

QUICK NOTE: It sucks when you can't see the woman you love during the week because you live 200 miles away from each other; which also means no sex. Booooooo

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


workers who don't work?
Job: A regular activity performed in exchange for payment, especially as one's trade, occupation, or profession.

Employee: A person who works for another in return for financial or other compensation

I don't get it. Why do people have to be so miserable at work? This isn't in any direct reference to anyone, just an observation. You don't know how many times a day I hear people complaining. What I really don't get is why these people don't just quit? If you don't like it get off your fat ass and look somewhere else. No one is asking you to stay. If you're too lazy to do anything about it, then you better come to work and not complain. When you walk through the door you are agreeing to do things for the company and in return they will give you money. If you don't want to do it, then they won't give you money. It's as simple as that.

Do you see the definitions up there? Regular activity! You're expected to do it everyday! I'll be the first to say there are days that I don't feel like going to work. But you know what? I do. And I work my hardest because I know in two weeks I'll get a pay check. If I didn't have a paycheck things would suck. Cause they did. I'm not saying that things are peachy all the time at work, but if I've ever had a beef, I've expressed my concerns, and a compromise was made. Nothing will change if you don't do anything about your concerns. I swear to God these people, expect the world to come to there cubicle with a fucking silver spoon to shove up their ass.

QUICK NOTE: The Polish bike ride is when a man is having sex with a woman from behind, and he grips her waist, lifts her feet and starts kicking her breasts.

USED IN A SENTENCE: Since that hooker had big tits, I took her for a Polish bike ride.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


let's shoot the shit
I know this applies to guys, but I'm unsure if girls go through the same thing.

SCENARIO: You're talking to a guy, and you're both on the way to the bathroom. You enter, and rather than standing at a urinal, he goes into a stall and shuts the door. He obviously doesn't have to pee, and proceeds to shoot the shit while he "shoots the shit."

Is this incredibly awkward? Is it really proper bathroom etiquette to continually speak to an individual when you enter the stall during a conversation, and they can obviously hear you shit? I know, it is natural bathroom etiquette not to speak to the individual sitting next you on the toilet while shitting, but on this I'm unsure. I'm sure no one wants their conversation punctuated with certain bathroom noises, so I believe the same etiquette should apply to this situation. I'm sure anything I have to say can wait while you excrement out your butt.

On the other side of things, does it bother you to have just spoken to that person and only seconds later hear them shitting, and the noises associated with aforementioned action? I think this situation personalizes something that shouldn't be personalized. Whatever someone decides to do in the bathroom is completely up to them and I don't really need to go any further than that. It is my belief that whilst on the toilet, everyone is a stranger. Only when you step out, do you return to being that friend/coworker/family member.

Finally, do girls deal with this? I know that you girls are always sitting on the toilet, so do you talk to each other while you pee like guys do? What more, because you are comfortable with sitting and talking, is it a natural inclination to talk no matter what you may be doing, thus disproving my theory that people don't talk to each other while they shit?

I expect a well thought out 5 page paper by next Tuesday.

QUICK NOTE: Has anyone read Lewis Blacks' new book?


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