so I heard about your crucifixtion
If I were to give Jesus a greeting card, that's what it would say.

It is my goal at some point, to fleece the residents of Staten Island for all of their stupid money. Money earned from God knows what, and spent on anything. Literally, they will spend money on anything. Stickers, blow up holiday figures, ugly cars, uglier houses, ribbon magnets, ugly clothes; the list goes on and on.

How do I take stupid people's money? I mean, it can't be that difficult. I've determined that creating something that doesn't exist on the island, which could be something completely asinine, would sell well despite its complete lack of anything useful. There's also the possibility of opening up a food place that isn't on the island and having the sheer novelty fuel things. For instance, Friday's just opened this past week, a chain that exists everywhere, and I'm pretty sure everyone has been to. You would think that on a Tuesday night, most people would be at home cooking dinner. Nope, not on Staten Island. The line has to be out the door, because God forbid you don't get someplace that really isn't so good in the first week. God forbid someone you know gets there first to enjoy overpriced appetizers and underpaid bitchy waitresses who wear far to much makeup and sound like they drive a truck. Yeah, that sounds so appealing to me, that I'm going to take my snot noised spoiled kids there on a Tuesday because I'm a bad parent and don't cook dinner anymore let alone see my kids unless they need money. Man, I love this place.

So obviously a chain would do well. But then there's another option. A pizza place. For some reason, most probably the gross overpopulation of Italians on Staten Island, there are tons of pizza restaurants here. Don't believe me? Have a look:

See the red and yellow dots. Yeah, those are places where you can get pizza. The blue circle is my general neighborhood. There are six places I can choose from to eat pizza. Six! and they are all half a mile or less from one another. Who the hell needs that many places in one area? The only reason there aren't any more is because the golf course is in the way. But I'm sure that they'd put something there if they could. Also, if you look closer it's the same everywhere else. If I drove down Victory Blvd. I would have the option of going to twelve restaurants. Twelve! and again they are all in half mile increments. Honestly I think the map left out some places, so there's more to be seen. The funny part is, in all of my time living here, I remember only one place actually closing. This happened recently and is now being replaced by a Dunkin Donuts: a novelty chain. Idiots.

So who's to say if I chose a spot on there to put a pizza place, I wouldn't do well? When your direct competition is literally across the street, the rules of pricing get completly thrown out the window. At that point it comes down to the knowledge that no matter what you do, people will still order from you because they just want pizza. You can stay in business based on the fact that the market is so diluted, taste/service/price have no effects and you can pretty much do what you want. Just make sure you use the words "Brick Oven" or "New York" in how you describe your pizza. These people need to know you're authentic...even if you are from Russia...and your cooks are Mexican.

QUICK NOTE: The weather has been very nice lately. It's been rather cool and it makes me think of the Fall and school. But not the people who go there. The people can go fuck themselves.

an offer you can't refuze
When you drive long distances as much as i do, you begin to learn the ways of the road. You know when a lane is going to slow down far before it does, you know who’s a good driver and who isn't long before you even go near them, and sometimes you even buddy up with cars like yours and play cat and mouse just to pass the time. Along with learning the rules of the road, you also learn about all the places along the road. There's the Quick Check on 31 with the really cheap gas, the vineyard with 4 grape bushes but spectacular views in New Paltz, the random hidden dirt road next to a hay field somewhere I don't remember in Jersey, and who can forget the countless rest stops: Molly Pitcher, Modena, Joyce Kilmer, Richard Stockton, Ramapo...and so on. Hey there's a plan. Get a rest stop named after me. Oh man, I'm putting that away in the "Can't die before it happens" file.

With the long drives comes snacking; something that’s been happening since the invention of the autocar. Back in the 20's young hipsters would eat Granula bits, and drink flavored spirits while traveling great distances. We call this the invention of drunk driving and one of the man causes of prohibition. Later during the depression traveling families would munch on salted pork, stopping at streams and rivers to quench their parched mouths. We call this the invention of heart disease. So you see eating and driving go hand and hand; like pretty much everything else you do that has a free hand to stuff your face.

For me, eating on the road has evolved as my stomach deflated. Of course in the past any stop for food would include candy, fast food, ice cream, or all three. Jesus, was I a fatty. Now stops include trail mix, a protein bar, water, or anything else mostly healthy. Even fruit. My healthy ways have created a problem however. As we all know, rest stops are notorious for containing some of the shittiest unhealthiest food ever created by man. So I'm left with trying anything available that has some sort of nutrients in it. Usually these are my options:

Juice: Juice is good, but its loaded with lots of sugar, and sometimes way to imitation to be healthy.
Water: Yay....water...healthy...healthy...tasteless...boring.
Diet Soda: There are times for diet soda, and there are times not for diet soda.
Other: Anything that says the word healthy on it.

The tastiest thing up there is juice. But with all the sugar, it kind of negates the vitamin value it gives. What's left are alternative juices: something derived from fruit but with added fake sugar. Most of these beverages are aspartame based, which we all know "causes cancer in lab animals." It's rare to see one without it in my travels, so the discovery of one is usually a well celebrated event. Such an occasion has occurred.

Fuze. Simple right? You've probably seen it and been like "What the hell is that?" This isn't anything new, I've been drinking Fuze for over a year now. What's the appeal? The appeal lies in its low-carb goodness, it's use of Splenda as a sweetener, the taste of course, and the packaging. It's amazing what the packaging can do for a product. Take Vitamin Water for example: named healthy, looks healthy (like a prescription), full of bad sugar. And everyone who drinks it knows this. It doesn't stop them though. Even the bottle shape is eye catching. After some looking into the site, a large focus of creating the drink was its design and branding. In my opinion it was successful. For those of you not into the healthier drinks, their non-slenderize lines still contain all those healthy things and still minimal sugars. Of course, they have witty names like focus and energy, but they come in tons of flavors, so you’re not limited to the blue kind and the purple kind. It's really hard to say no to this stuff once you've tried it. Be warned however: its also hard to find. If you see it, grab it because the next time you have it may not be for a while.

In the meantime I think I'm going to start a club of Fuze drinkers called "Fuzers" whose goal is to enlighten others of the sweet nectar that flows from the neck of that bottle...or just continue drinking it when I get thirsty on the road. That should be enough.

QUICK NOTE: Plums are very sloppy fruits. Oh, and office politics have to be the stupidest and most avoidable problems ever. Go to work to work, not to be a slut.