boys rhymes with toys
I've been waiting to write this one for a while, it's just taken forever for me to actually sit down and do it.

Once again the joys of internet spelunking have yielded a find of immense proportions. Something so dark and so black your feel nauseous. Let me give you some background.

A long time ago there was a movie called Batman, directed by a Tim Burton. Due to the crappy nature of superhero movies at that time, this movie became the golden calf of the genre. From the point the movie came out, all other superhero ventures were benchmarked against it. Capitalizing on its success, Mr. Burton decided to make a sequel. While it didn't do as well as the first, Batman Returns does hold a place in my heart. It may be the quotable lines, Oswald Cobblepot, or just the presence of Christopher Walken, I don't know. Whatever the case, the movie was mostly successful. After that the Batman movies became a shell of their once beautiful selves thanks to new director Joel Schumacher. But I digress.

The real meat of this story comes from that which never made it to the public...until now. Riding high on the success of the Batman franchise, Tim Burton, apparently with glimmers of the pathetic movie career he has now, had an idea. Make Batman...into a musical. Yes that's right, you read that correctly. It seems deep consideration was given to a musical of the Batman movies he recently helmed. So serious was Mr. Burton that he had a composer and song writer already begin work on it: Jim Steinman. Jim Steinman has a pretty good resume. Most of his songs are actually great; especially when sung by the Loaf.

However, I can't say what you're about to listen to qualifies as great. Actually I can't say it qualifies as decent. Ahh Hell, it plain old sucks. That would be OK if it were just a song. But it isn't. It's an embodiment of one of the best movies of our generation. You sit and listen and hope it can live up to your expectations. Immediately you are let down. In fact you are let down so hard you don't even know and keep listening because you can't believe that something that could have be so great is really really really bad. The lyrics just keep getting worse and worse, and the nightmare continues when you attempt to think of Jack Nicholson even going near these lines.

I may be a little harsh at times on things, but this one really deserves it. I give you fair warning: this is the equivalent of a holocaust on your ears. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you Wonderful Toys.

QUICK NOTE: Screw Disney World, this is the most wonderful place on earth.

thunderhorse...
I've said it once...I'll say it again: The sheer stupidity of Staten Islanders never ceases to amaze me. Could I be referring to the man who allowed his wife to drive off a cliff with his two daughters in the back seat so she could commit suicide? No. Am I talking about those leaders of hate crime who decided to spray a swastika on the Jewish temple...backwards, thus signifying peace? No. We all know that the people on Staten Island are just plan dumb. A feature summed up so elegantly through the use of the Island's official slogan: Fuck. That's right, from the mall to the beach, at church and on the street; no other word is spoken more frequently and unnecessarily. And don't think it's just the adults. Oh no! Little girls on cell phones, wiggers with big pants; they are all full of colorful language thanks to the wonderful home environment their ever attentive parents have created for them. Proof? How about this?

Only a player on a Staten Island team could cause ESPN to use a 5 second delay for the Little League World Series.

QUICK NOTE: Man, all those meteorologists were 100% right last year. This IS a terrible hurricane season. Good thing the oil companies raised their prices or we'd be dealing with a shortage of oil right now and gas prices would be high. Wait what? There have been no hurricanes? There's a shortage on oil anyway? Gas is over 3 bucks a gallon? OK. If you work for an oil company or are a meteorologist please come to my apartment so I can personally punch you in the mouth and piss in your eyes. Douche bags...all of them.

Finally, Max Mayfield who apparently is our "Hurricane Chief" as the dumbest greatest news organization in the world CNN puts it predicts a "mega-disaster." When? "I don't know whether that's going to be this year or five years from now or a hundred years from now." Way to be specific Max. I love these idiots who use big scary words like mega, ultra, and super to denote storms or catastrophes of immense proportions and then give the most ambiguous timeline on when they will occur. Well it's been my experience to believe that a mind-blowing-catastrophe will occur in 2276 when the bull shit spewing from everyone's mouth causes the earth to vomit on the moon. And Max would it be smart of me to go into the subway if your "mega-disaster" hit New York? "The subways are going to flood. Some people might think 'Hey, I'll go into the subways and I'll be safe.' No, they are going to flood." Thanks Max, I had no idea subways could flood despite the huge gratings on the street and tunnels. At least Staten Island and Jersey would get a needed power washing.