oh the things they'll do
There are good things and bad things in the world. Of course, from my perspective there are a lot more bad things. This week has been a mix of the two; a series of ups and downs if you will.

ANOTHER Harry is released in theatres. And here come the predictable. More Harry = More people swearing to it's god like qualities and story line. I don't think I need to reiterate any further.

BUT...

Bullseyeart.com has returned to the internet. Perhaps one of the best sites on the web, Bullseyeart spawned such favorites as Porkchops and Ratchicken. Unfortunately, the site now costs $4.99 a month, but there are two sample cartoons that bring me back to a better time, when the internet cost a lot less.

HOWEVER...

Jennifer Aniston is GQ's man of the year. I'll let you think about that. You know what Miss It's Cold all the Time? You're a celebrity...a fucking celebrity. The fact that the paparazzi hounds you all the time is a testament to the death and destruction you leave behind you wherever go. Here's a tip: if you don't like it, stop being in the spot light all the time. I'm sure no one is going to miss you, what with your latest movie on it's way out of theatres already. Way to go. Everything was all fine and dandy when you were dating Mr. Sleeps with Anyone. "Oh take our picture! We love being in the spotlight!" And then as soon as it goes bad you want your precious privacy. Listen, if you invite people into your house and feed them all the time, you're going to eventually get shit in your toilet. Suck it up and clean the shit, OK? Oh and going on multiple "entertainment" shows and complaining about how everyone invades your privacy doesn't make you a man. It makes you a mega bitch. The only reason you're man of the year is because no one can tell if the men in Hollywood are fags or not. Oh and your enormous nipples were mistaken for pecs.

ALTHOUGH...

South Park tackled Scientology this week. By far one of the better episodes this season. The combination of idiotic celebrities believing in idiotic religions just reinforces everything I feel about the world: Dumb people get paid too much, and the more moronic they are, the more money they make.

UNFORTUNATELY...

The movie version of RENT comes out next week....... (concerned sigh). We've all been through it once before. Some of us could not escape it through college. But like most pop-culture phenomena’s, this locomotive of over wrought emotion is conducted by annoying girls who latch onto anything with annoying force. That means not only do we have to deal with the public's reaction to it, but we also have to bear witness to the constant beating into the ground of RENT's supposed god like qualities and story line. Sound familiar? I'm sure there is a high correlation between the two. You know, I still have nightmares: of college girls screaming the songs at cast parties, of guys who can't sing, joining in with said girls, thinking that they are the greatest lovers in the world, and of the AIDS. Oh God, are we going to hear about the AIDS, and how we are all threatened by it some more. I'm convinced RENT truly is a tool of the devil. For once I'd like something to be good that does not have a blind following of millions of girls 12-28 who do nothing but preach about it 24/7. If I were a superhero, this would surely be my Kryptonite.

SPEAKING OF KRYPTONITE...

The new Superman Returns teaser trailer came out. In no way shape or form was I tracking this one. I assumed it would be another superhero movie I'd see, what with Kevin Spacey in it an all. But the trailer. Like a geek relapse, I experienced something that I haven't in a while. As a child I would watch the Superman movies whenever they were on, most usually the Saturday Afternoon movie on WPIX 11. I enjoyed every one of them (except the one with Richard Pryor...I never understood that one.) To see these new images, with the original John Williams music, and the Marlon Brando speech from the very first Superman movie; well it just gives me hope. Hope that people won't forget those old movies; the ones before glitzy special effects. There are definitely some directors out there who realize this, and have stopped the special effects binging. They realize that special effects are there to complement and not cover up.

QUICK NOTE: I finally get to spend more than a weekend with my lovely sex goddess. Can you say hot tub and fireplace?

jesus hot dog eating christ
There's not much I watch in the way of television. Usually it involves having a spare moment or two just to relax and flick around. Lately television is also just background noise while I'm out, if my friends and I are not watching Rome or South Park. Once and a while though, we do land on some alternative programming that only grasps our attention due to some controversial or unconventional topic. Personally, I'm a big fan of Taboo on the National Geographic channel, or "How to mutilate your body in 12 easy steps." Also high on the list is Transgeneration, the story of college kids who are so depressed that a song lyric in an away message is not enough to stave off future bouts. No, the only answer is chopping off their penises and becoming a woman; or vice versa. It's all quite entertaining.

As a part on my run around the dial, I always stop on the Food Network. Being a former fatty, eating and the art of cooking are still near and dear to my heart...oh and there's nothing like badly dubbed Japanese cooks chopping up giant octopi for a delicious ice cream dessert to get you going. Recently, I happened upon Recipe for Success, which chronicles budding food businesses and the pains and successes they go through while pursuing profitability. This week's business, Hot Dogma, is run by recent college graduates and features hot dogs with unusual and thematic toppings. In other words, get a hot dog, put some pineapple and ham on it, and call it Hawaiian. Yeah I know, not really the next light bulb. At this point you must be wondering why it is called Hot Dogma? Well there are two answers for that. One, because the money they are making (or not making) is for a church, and two, because the actual restaurant is located in that church. Now I don't mean in the Parish kind of "in the church", I mean "let's go upstairs and eat some jesus before we have some hot dogs kind of in the church." Yup, it looks like a couple of Jesus freaks decided to sell some wieners from the bowels of an Episcopal Church. Does anyone else see the problem here?

I have to think we're dealing with some serious morons here. First off, your product just plain sucks. You've done nothing that someone can't do at home for half the cost you're charging. What more, you're doing something that NO ONE wants to do at home. The hot dog is an American institution; like ALF and Speak and Spell. You wouldn't put a turban on ALF would you? That wouldn't make him better in any way. So putting ethnic tastes on a hot dog does nothing to improve it. It does nothing to improve it AT ALL. The only thing it does improve is my chances of throwing up all over your precious church. And speaking of church, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A RESTAURANT IN A CHURCH. A BLOODY CHURCH! What in the hell were you thinking. From the beginning, that should have been the red flag that said "your business plan sucks, and you're doomed to fail!" I don't care how open-minded you perceive people to be, using religion as a backdrop automatically turns off the 15% of the population that are atheists, and the 65% of die hard Christians who'll never step foot near another religion's church. In other words you're trying to make a profit off only 20% of the population. AND you're trying to do it with nasty ass hot dogs.

Obviously, most of the show was devoted to the fact that the business is doing terribly. The owners live on $1000 a month and the one hired employee, a soon to be seminarian (surprise, surprise), makes minimum wage. They get help from their parents and pray a lot. Yet, for some reason they just can't make a profit. I wonder why? I know! Because God can't make you less stupid. Look, if praying gave you business sense, then I think all those CEO's would be a lot more moral than they are. You go to church (upstairs). Didn't anyone teach you God and business don't go well together? Look where it got Archbishop Gilday.

QUICK NOTE: Upon further investigation, I found out that the website is designed by a jesus freak design company. Does this mean there is a jesus sub culture; jesus freak garbage men, window washers, and department store managers? I'll bet there's even strippers for jesus. That's the issue. People contort religion in so many different ways, they make it applicable to just about anything. If religion were really supposed to be that universal, we would all have faith in the same thing. Why do you think there are religious wars?

i'll have the ridiculous with a side of offensive
I think humanity has reached a new low. No, this doesn't have anything to do with pop culture, politics, or public displays incompetence. This is a God awful, for real, true story. It is a story of stupidity, narowmindedness, and pasta.

For years the debate has been raging: God or Evolution? Well to appease the masses someone came up with intelligent design, or the belief that while evolution was likely, a "higher being" of sorts pushed it along with an invisible touch. In response to the Kansas Board of Education having a meeting discussing the teaching of intelligent design in schools, Bob Henderson sent a letter discussing his beliefs in intelligent design. The "higher being" he spoke of was the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created the universe and effects it with His noodly appendage. The letter goes on to satire the entire intelligent design theory, using such evidence as the number of pirates in relation to the number of natural disasters. Needless to say, it is a humorous and informative read.

Like most things on the internet, it has begun to gain a cult following. Shrines to His Spaghettiness have been popping up all over the place, and art work, t-shirts, and bumper stickers are appearing praising His deeds. This is one example of such iconic work.

An excellent portrayal of what we know to be the true creator of life.

I decided that this golden ark of humor was too good to go unnoticed, so I printed the image and hung it up at my desk. For those times of the day when I felt upset, lost, or just in need of a break I would look upon His holiness...chuckle to myself...and feel refreshed. He truly was the king of kings.

Now said image had been hanging up at my desk for at least 3 months. My boss inquired its meaning, and I enlightened him with the ways of the Spaghetti Monster but I think he just brushed it off as the strange humor of a strange boy. Never the less, it remained on my wall for an extended amount of time. That is until yesterday.

Sitting at my desk one of the resident morons, whats-her-face, who by the way could have easily went to Villanova, bounces over in all her stupid spoiled siliconeness sits ON my desk and proceeds to point at Him and asks "What is this?" I explained to her the concept of intelligent design and the satire related to it. Of course these words flew right over her head, falling on to ears which had never heard anything beyond "Nice cans" and "How much do you want?" Totally ignoring anything I said she exclaims, "Do you know what they look like? A man's testicles." I'll give you a couple of seconds to digest that one. I kind of stared back at her, the obvious jokes swimming through my mind, the social responsibility levee breaking away, and all I could say was "Well, people see what they want to see in pictures." Far more vile could have come out of my mouth, but obviously less vile than what usually comes out of hers...or in. She kind of giggled (something she does far too much daily) and scurried away to return to her desk and continue doing nothing. I thought nothing of it; just a brush with idiocy.

As I walked into work yesterday, my eyes passed over an empty wall. On my chair was an envelope containing said picture. I put two and two together. Logging on to my e-mail I see a letter from my boss:

It has been brought to my attention that the art work hanging up on your desk was considered pushing the envelope of what is acceptable and what is not in an office setting. For that reason, I pro actively placed the two pictures that were hanging up in the white envelope on your chair. Please refrain from hanging them back up.

Our desks should not contain any items that would cause a peer to question if an item is work appropriate or not. If you are unsure of what is acceptable or not before hanging something ask myself and we can discuss further or even ask HR for a viewpoint.

Thanks for understanding!

Offensive? Spaghetti and meatballs are offensive? Am I missing something here? Just because some dumb ass sees balls I have to suffer? Did she not see the eyeballs, the spaghetti noodles, or the red sauce? Did she not listen to my explanation? And the best fucking thing is that she probably went to her supervisor and said it looks like he has balls on his desk. Who does that? Maybe I'm offended by your shitty personality, your slutty dress, your lack of productivity, or maybe your inclination to gossip. That's the way I see you. It may not be balls but I am just as offended by you being alive as you were by meatballs. Finally, I highly doubt balls offend you. If they did, you wouldn't be putting them in your mouth every night. Dumb slut.

Is this what we've come to? Dinner is now offensive? You can act like a slut, be a bad person, but none of that is offensive until it involves genitals or tits. What the fuck?!

QUICK NOTE: Why in God's name did I listen to Xhristmas music last night?

the affair of the liver
Dear Liver,

What's the mother fucking deal bra? Up until now we've had a great relationship. We've done so much together. Remember the time we had a picnic in the park? Or when I took you swimming? Those were good times. But you HAD to go and ruin it didn't you? Now that I've questioned your integrity, I'm not sure if things will ever be the same.

First, you can't say I haven't treated you well. I've done so much for you. I know in the early days we had our difficulties, what with my food addiction. And you told me, if there were any way we were going to survive, I'd have to change. And I did...FOR YOU! I changed my whole lifestyle just to keep our relationship strong; because I knew we had something great. And things have been healthy ever since. You never complained, even when I would treat you like I knew I shouldn't. There were those nights when I plainly neglected you, almost as if you didn't exist. I've apologized for those times and you know they're gone. Sure, there were a couple of evenings where stress levels went up, but they happen once in a blue moon. I have treated you with nothing but respect and compassion.

So what's the deal Liver? Do you harbor some deep hate for me? Are you resentful of what my lifestyle used to be, despite the fact that I changed? Seriously, Liver, how old are you that you feel like you need to hold a grudge. And instead of you coming to me and talking it out you decide to fake being sick. FAKER! How dare you do something like that? I have given you everything and you just throw it all away. How do you expect me to trust you again? Every time you cry wolf am I going to have to go to the hospital and get a sonogram; like I'm pregnant! Is that what you want, to just embarrass me? Well way to go Liver, what a resounding success. Grow up, ok! Here I am, genuinely concerned about you, stressing about our future together and I find out you were faking things just to embarrass me. You've got some nerve!

I don't know what's going to happen next Liver. You've created a rift that may never be bridged. You've scarred something that was pure with your devilish ways.

-Chester

QUICK NOTE: My left kidney is 10.3 cm long and my right kidney is 11.1 cm long.