jesus hot dog eating christ
There's not much I watch in the way of television. Usually it involves having a spare moment or two just to relax and flick around. Lately television is also just background noise while I'm out, if my friends and I are not watching Rome or South Park. Once and a while though, we do land on some alternative programming that only grasps our attention due to some controversial or unconventional topic. Personally, I'm a big fan of Taboo on the National Geographic channel, or "How to mutilate your body in 12 easy steps." Also high on the list is Transgeneration, the story of college kids who are so depressed that a song lyric in an away message is not enough to stave off future bouts. No, the only answer is chopping off their penises and becoming a woman; or vice versa. It's all quite entertaining.

As a part on my run around the dial, I always stop on the Food Network. Being a former fatty, eating and the art of cooking are still near and dear to my heart...oh and there's nothing like badly dubbed Japanese cooks chopping up giant octopi for a delicious ice cream dessert to get you going. Recently, I happened upon Recipe for Success, which chronicles budding food businesses and the pains and successes they go through while pursuing profitability. This week's business, Hot Dogma, is run by recent college graduates and features hot dogs with unusual and thematic toppings. In other words, get a hot dog, put some pineapple and ham on it, and call it Hawaiian. Yeah I know, not really the next light bulb. At this point you must be wondering why it is called Hot Dogma? Well there are two answers for that. One, because the money they are making (or not making) is for a church, and two, because the actual restaurant is located in that church. Now I don't mean in the Parish kind of "in the church", I mean "let's go upstairs and eat some jesus before we have some hot dogs kind of in the church." Yup, it looks like a couple of Jesus freaks decided to sell some wieners from the bowels of an Episcopal Church. Does anyone else see the problem here?

I have to think we're dealing with some serious morons here. First off, your product just plain sucks. You've done nothing that someone can't do at home for half the cost you're charging. What more, you're doing something that NO ONE wants to do at home. The hot dog is an American institution; like ALF and Speak and Spell. You wouldn't put a turban on ALF would you? That wouldn't make him better in any way. So putting ethnic tastes on a hot dog does nothing to improve it. It does nothing to improve it AT ALL. The only thing it does improve is my chances of throwing up all over your precious church. And speaking of church, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A RESTAURANT IN A CHURCH. A BLOODY CHURCH! What in the hell were you thinking. From the beginning, that should have been the red flag that said "your business plan sucks, and you're doomed to fail!" I don't care how open-minded you perceive people to be, using religion as a backdrop automatically turns off the 15% of the population that are atheists, and the 65% of die hard Christians who'll never step foot near another religion's church. In other words you're trying to make a profit off only 20% of the population. AND you're trying to do it with nasty ass hot dogs.

Obviously, most of the show was devoted to the fact that the business is doing terribly. The owners live on $1000 a month and the one hired employee, a soon to be seminarian (surprise, surprise), makes minimum wage. They get help from their parents and pray a lot. Yet, for some reason they just can't make a profit. I wonder why? I know! Because God can't make you less stupid. Look, if praying gave you business sense, then I think all those CEO's would be a lot more moral than they are. You go to church (upstairs). Didn't anyone teach you God and business don't go well together? Look where it got Archbishop Gilday.

QUICK NOTE: Upon further investigation, I found out that the website is designed by a jesus freak design company. Does this mean there is a jesus sub culture; jesus freak garbage men, window washers, and department store managers? I'll bet there's even strippers for jesus. That's the issue. People contort religion in so many different ways, they make it applicable to just about anything. If religion were really supposed to be that universal, we would all have faith in the same thing. Why do you think there are religious wars?