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Saturday, March 10, 2007


i'm addicted to vanilla these days
I'm not much of a coffee drinker. In fact I never drank coffee. I had the occasional after dinner espresso with my family if we ever went out to eat, or were at a holiday, but as for that got to have morning cup...it never did anything for me. I avoided it so I wouldn't become dependent on it as the only way to wake up in the morning. But when your fiancee works at a bagel shoppe that sells quality coffee, it's hard not to ever drink coffee. It really wasn't until I spent time at her parents house that I started to enjoy a cup or two on the weekend. Like cigars, I drink coffee for the taste and the experience. I like it strong and I like it black...like my men. This way I can get the full flavor, uninhibited by milk or sugar.

In my travels I'm willing to try different types of coffee to compare and contrast flavors. I must admit the bean from the bagel shoppe is very good. They don't over roast their bean, so the coffee doesn't taste burnt. In one instance, Bucks County Coffee, I finally understood after years of calling cigar reviewers bullshit artists, those "coffee tones" a cigar has. There is nothing worse than the taste of cigar after a cup of coffee. If I wanted to taste a cigar, I would have smoked one, not drank an over roasted cup of coffee. Fucking Bucks County yuppies wouldn't know taste if it bit them on their gold plated asses.

About a month ago I decided to give Dunkin Donuts coffee a try. I've visited the establishment on many occasions for their donuts, muffins, breakfast sandwiches, and chocolate coolatas (until they discontinued them) but I had never once drank their coffee. I've heard everyone rave "Dunkin Donuts is best coffee I have ever tasted." With praise like that how could I go wrong. That's what I get for listening to stupid people and their dumb opinions.

Now I don't know what it actually was. The coffee was your conventional cup: black, not an egregious amount and unnecessarily hot of course. I even waited for it to cool down a bit before I drank it. Yet no one can tell me why it tasted like a cup of ass? It was seriously awful, like someone shit in it or decided to splooge in it. It had no redeeming characteristics whatsoever: it barely tasted like coffee and for some ridiculous reason it was in a Styrofoam cup. Styrofoam? What is this 1967? You can't afford some biodegradable paper cups? Not only do you poison the earth with you horrible horrible coffee, you poison it with the cups you insist upon using? What's wrong with you Dunkin Donuts? Then they have the audacity to proclaim "America Runs on Dunkin." No they don't. America doesn't know any better. They think paying six bucks for a 400 calorie caramel half skim soy venti macchiata or however the fuck you spell it, is smart. Keep in mind these are also the ass cocks who think that Eddie Murphy should be nominated for an Academy Award.

You're convenient Dunkin Donuts, like that ugly drunk girl who'll suck your dick on a Saturday night. That girl who'll let you cum all over her face because she has no self-respect and is too drunk to care. In lieu of all this, I've decided to revamp the Dunkin Donuts slogan a bit. I think you asked for this Dunkin Donuts. It's the only response your lack of quality control in the awful coffee you serve leads me to. You're nothing but a self deprecating whore.


QUICK NOTE: If their coffee wasn't bad enough, the ad geniuses at Dunkin Donuts have decided to use the most annoying person in the world as their new spokesperson: Rachel "Nubby Boobs" Ray. If anyone screams "ugly drunk girl who'll let you cum on her face," it's her.

Comments:
Great work.
 
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