Friday, April 22, 2011

better late than never
I stumbled on this as I was about to go to bed. I forget sometimes that before myspace and facebook, the only way people communicated was through blogs and live journals...ugh. Oh and AIM. Does anyone actually still use the AIM program? With the dumb sound effects that would alert you or your stalker that someone has arrived or is leaving. I mean really we spent more time looking at away messages (facebook wall posts for you youngins) than we did actually talking to people.

It all seems so long ago and technology keeps moving forward...annoingly. The market is for personal devices is where it's at and that the best way people want to have their technology is through a sub par cell phone and/or a tablet. A tablet is defined as a large phone that can't make calls but costs about 3 times as much and has even less battery time. Genius. It's like inventing a new shoe without the laces and paying more for them. Penis.

QUICK NOTE: In one month my daughter will be one. In more shocking news I'm actually a father.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

if you're going to san francisco
Don't.'re not missing anything. It's weird out here. I had to come out for a business trip. Yes, I've only been here one day. And yes, I came here with an impression that was mainly influenced by South Park and Escape from Alcatraz. But there just isn't something right.

I do have to admit, the scenery is wonderful.. Rolling hills, the bay, and low clouds. It all makes for some nice sunsets and sunrises. But there's even something wrong with that. All the hills are yellow. Covered with tall windy grass, spotted with low trees that remind me of heads of brocolli. Hills are supposed to be green with much vegetation...not YELLOW! It's like grass, the main staple of the land just doesn't want to grow out here. Even that stays away.

And the temperature is weird. It'll be 85 degrees in the day time, but feel like 75, and as soon as 3:00 comes it gets cold. Like fall cold. It's currently 60 degrees and it feels like 55. If there were actually big leafy trees I would expect them to be fall colors.

The worse part is the beggars. There are tons and tons of panhandlers. They line the streets asking for money. And they are way too aggressive. It's like you owe it to them because they are lazy sons of bitches. I assume a lot of them are aging hippies who refused to bow down to the man and get a real job. So now they smell like shit...more than they did before.

I don't know about this place. Its only been a day and I'm just not comfortable. Although it's good to know my hate is constant from sea to shining sea. Now all I need to do is hit the mid west and my hate can be country wide.

QUICK NOTE: When you get the opportunity drink and Old Fashioned. It might be the only fruity beverage I would allow.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

i concur
I received this e-mail from Pat today, a purveyor of fine commentary and opinion.

Last night I was watching Mythbusters and Kari was getting so annoying that I vowed that I would dedicate part of my day to see if she has any credibility and what she actually has to offer to the show besides being irritating and basically repeats everything that the team says
about the experiments to sound like she has validity. Anywho, I went to wikipedia to check it out, and after 2 seconds of looking I finally found out how she got the best job in the world despite no qualifications. I now quote the reason she was hired:

"She became involved in the show after persistently showing up at Hyneman's M5 Industries workshop in a desire to get hired at his company."

Kari got the job by being the bitch all girls are and consistently nagged Jamie relentlessly until he couldn't take it anymore. I suggest we write a stern letter of protest and start a petition to take Kari off the show and replace her with Mythtern Jess, for she is both credible and hot.

Pat's right (I say as the sky opens up and the
Ogdru Jahad descend upon the earth). Kari has been consistently annoying and a total waste of space. She never has anything relevant to say. Even when she reads the cue cards they make her read she does a terrible job. I know she's on the show for eye candy, but Pat's right, she has no credibility to Mythbust. Jess on the other hand at least has a degree in Mechanical Engineering. Although from the look of her Myspace page she might be just as annoying. In the end I'd rather have a qualified annoying chick rather than an unqualified annoying chick. Not to mention Jess has bigger boobs and that's always a plus.

QUICK NOTE: Traguna Mekoites Tracorum Satis Dee...

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

i'm addicted to vanilla these days
I'm not much of a coffee drinker. In fact I never drank coffee. I had the occasional after dinner espresso with my family if we ever went out to eat, or were at a holiday, but as for that got to have morning never did anything for me. I avoided it so I wouldn't become dependent on it as the only way to wake up in the morning. But when your fiancee works at a bagel shoppe that sells quality coffee, it's hard not to ever drink coffee. It really wasn't until I spent time at her parents house that I started to enjoy a cup or two on the weekend. Like cigars, I drink coffee for the taste and the experience. I like it strong and I like it my men. This way I can get the full flavor, uninhibited by milk or sugar.

In my travels I'm willing to try different types of coffee to compare and contrast flavors. I must admit the bean from the bagel shoppe is very good. They don't over roast their bean, so the coffee doesn't taste burnt. In one instance, Bucks County Coffee, I finally understood after years of calling cigar reviewers bullshit artists, those "coffee tones" a cigar has. There is nothing worse than the taste of cigar after a cup of coffee. If I wanted to taste a cigar, I would have smoked one, not drank an over roasted cup of coffee. Fucking Bucks County yuppies wouldn't know taste if it bit them on their gold plated asses.

About a month ago I decided to give Dunkin Donuts coffee a try. I've visited the establishment on many occasions for their donuts, muffins, breakfast sandwiches, and chocolate coolatas (until they discontinued them) but I had never once drank their coffee. I've heard everyone rave "Dunkin Donuts is best coffee I have ever tasted." With praise like that how could I go wrong. That's what I get for listening to stupid people and their dumb opinions.

Now I don't know what it actually was. The coffee was your conventional cup: black, not an egregious amount and unnecessarily hot of course. I even waited for it to cool down a bit before I drank it. Yet no one can tell me why it tasted like a cup of ass? It was seriously awful, like someone shit in it or decided to splooge in it. It had no redeeming characteristics whatsoever: it barely tasted like coffee and for some ridiculous reason it was in a Styrofoam cup. Styrofoam? What is this 1967? You can't afford some biodegradable paper cups? Not only do you poison the earth with you horrible horrible coffee, you poison it with the cups you insist upon using? What's wrong with you Dunkin Donuts? Then they have the audacity to proclaim "America Runs on Dunkin." No they don't. America doesn't know any better. They think paying six bucks for a 400 calorie caramel half skim soy venti macchiata or however the fuck you spell it, is smart. Keep in mind these are also the ass cocks who think that Eddie Murphy should be nominated for an Academy Award.

You're convenient Dunkin Donuts, like that ugly drunk girl who'll suck your dick on a Saturday night. That girl who'll let you cum all over her face because she has no self-respect and is too drunk to care. In lieu of all this, I've decided to revamp the Dunkin Donuts slogan a bit. I think you asked for this Dunkin Donuts. It's the only response your lack of quality control in the awful coffee you serve leads me to. You're nothing but a self deprecating whore.

QUICK NOTE: If their coffee wasn't bad enough, the ad geniuses at Dunkin Donuts have decided to use the most annoying person in the world as their new spokesperson: Rachel "Nubby Boobs" Ray. If anyone screams "ugly drunk girl who'll let you cum on her face," it's her.

Friday, February 23, 2007

fat lazy assholes
Quick Summary: because of the excellent craftsmanship built into the new ferry terminal in Manhattan a water main broke and shut down 2 of the three up escalators, leaving one "groaning under a crush of commuters." Groaning? OK let's do the math on this one.

According to Wikipedia, the average number of people riding a Staten Island ferry each day is about 65,000 on 104 boat trips. That's about 625 people per boat; give or take a few for the late night ones. According to the 2000 census, 5.5% of the population in Staten Island is elderly or over 65. That means of the 625 ferry riders on each trip, only 34 of them are elderly. Let's knock that down to 25 because we know that old people don't go out much. The disabled population in Staten Island varies from 0 to 25% according to a fancy map I found. We'll say it is 15% because all the disabled people are not necessarily commuting to Manhattan. That means statistically 93 people on that ferry boat are disabled. We also know 93 disabled people are not on one ferry boat at one time unless they are going to the Special Olympics, so I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say 50 people with some kind of disability ride the ferry boat. That makes for a whopping 75 people who made need an escalator to get around. I'll knock that down again and of those 75, 20 have to take the elevator for one reason or another. So because I'm generous, 55 people on each ferry boat absolutely need an escalator.

What I'm hearing then is that 55 people on that one escalator is causing it to "groan under the crush of commuters"? Something is not right here. Even if they showed up all at the very same time, 55 people would not put a strain on any modern escalator. Oh wait, that's right I forgot about the other 570 idiots who don't know how to use a flight of stairs. They're probably fat lazy assholes who refuse to climb one set of stairs, and find every excuse in the book not to exert any extra effort. And I don't give a rat's ass if they have heavy stuff to carry. If you're dick enough to bring something heavy with you, as long as you can lug it around Manhattan you can lug it up the ferry terimnal. And if that heavy object includes your fat pasta eating ass, then you really have no excuse and maybe taking the stairs for once will help you lose an ounce or two.

And I love how fuckface Fossella crawls out of his money pool and reached out (like it's a gesture of kindness) to the Mayor's office to start boarding from the street.

"The escalators pose a problem for handicapped or injured ferry riders, as well as some seniors," Fossella said. "This will make the daily commute more convenient for them, and hopefully the escalators can be repaired as quickly as possible."

Sure keep telling yourself that. Maybe if you pushed exercise and not eating so much 53% of New Yorkers wouldn't be overweight or obese. Fatties.

QUICK NOTE: I want a hamburger, not a baby, a hamburger.

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