dear world
It has come to my attention that there are some issues that need to be addressed. For too long you have allowed these transgressions to grow out of control and now their sheer size and idiocy have made them a serious threat to our way of life. I have outlined them below:

Motorola
Why the fuck can't Motorola make a charger that actually works? Why after a year do their chargers stop charging? No it's not the battery, it's the fucking connection. I spend 5 - 10 minutes wiggling the charger in the base of the phone until the charging thing comes up. Then I have to gently put it down, because any false move and the thing stops charging. Other times, I'll plug in the charger and the phone will turn itself back on just to tell me that it's "Unable to Charge." I've even resorted to breathing on the charger jack a-la old school Nintendo. Look, I have no problem with the phone, it does what it has to, and is pretty resilient to the shit I put it through. But a dead phone is no good to me. Motorola get it right OK? A charger has one purpose, so I don't understand how you can fuck that only use up.

Coldplay
Apparently they are the new Holy Trinity because all I hear is how great and important the new Coldplay album is. What does that really mean? It means there's a new substance the media can abuse. Soon we'll be hearing new Coldplay on car commercials, movie trailers, radio stations, and TV Shows. It will be played until our ears start bleeding the lyrics themselves. Now look, I'm a fan of Coldplay. I think their music sounds the same a lot, but they do diversify now and again. However, this shit is perfect fodder for pop culture. It approaches and usually crosses that musical line that doesn't sound pop, but actually is because it appeals to everyone and they're grandmother so it loses all respect as good music because everyone knows it. And if you were a shithead ad exec. wouldn't you look for something that appeals to all audiences to try and sell something. "Wow, this Coldplay is so different it's good. It appeals to me and I have a stick up my ass. Let's beat it to death by attaching it to everything that sucks."

New Jersey
You fucking smell! Seriously, Jersey, buy some deodorant because it smells like you killed an animal, shoved it up your ass, ate rotten Chinese food and then shit your pants. I commute to work every day and get bombarded with everything from old cake batter, to ass, to rotten polluted water, and chemicals. I can feel my cells mutating, my lungs freezing up from the vapors, and the paint stripping off my car. I know there are parts of Jersey that are nice, but that does not make up for the smelly parts. Clean your ass Jersey!

In conclusion I do hope that this letter is enough to rectify the situations I have discussed above. If there is anything further amiss, I will be sure to contact you again in the near future.

-Chester

QUICK NOTE: Walking around a cemetery is cool.