The Obligatory Xhristmas Post
How do I tackle something as large as this Holiday here? There are countless ways I can respond to the season: Personally, publicly, biblically...sexually? This may be the problem with it to begin with. It means so many different things to everyone, we've lost the true meaning in ages past. We all have our little traditions, we all have our little meanings and heartfelt memories, but in the end the true meaning still evades us. Maybe I'll make some observations about this year's season.

1. The simplest response is that the holiday is completely made up. We picked an arbitrary day to celebrate the birth of the Jesus child. While that's fine and dandy, is that truly the way to worship? "Here Dad. here's a cigar. I think Jesus would like you to have that." It really makes no sense.

2. Now that we've elevated this time of the year to ridiculous proportions, we expect it to be the answer to all of our problems. Songs like "It's the most Wonderful time of the Year," demand that there is no other day in existence that can rival this day. The songs demand happiness and joy when people don't necessarily want it.

3. Being a believer in the natural duality of existence, I have to believe then that this happiness that is artificially created, has an opposite and just as equally powerful emotion. The happiness is only the result of presents, forced family visits, and alcohol. The antithesis then is the greed, anger, unwarranted lengths people go to in order to buy and receive gifts, the resentment for family and friends who you never see anyway, and the natural problems that occur with alcohol, but only on a larger scale. These unnatural seasonal highs will only be followed by extreme depressions. Oh, and traffic. God awful, asshole, holiday traffic. Procrastinators.

4. So what happened to good will? Sure, there are those people out there who are really selfless around this time of year, and do more than open up a checkbook, but the majority do nothing. Did you send a card to so and so? Did so and so send a card to you? If not, that's no reason to take offense. They should call it the holiday of expectations, because people expect everything they do for someone to be returned to them...sometimes more so. Giving without need of receiving is non-existent.

5. Finally, what no one gets is that there are 364 other days of the year when you can be a good willed and honest person. Just because they don't have a name doesn't mean you need to ignore the humanity of others. Maybe that's why Christmas was invented: to force the population to be unselfish and considerate to others for just one measly day. And look, we can't even get that one day right.

QUICK NOTE: How does any cartoon character ever made, dressed for the holiday, as a 7 foot tall blown up nylon figure on your lawn, signify anything? There are hundreds of these stupid blow up things all over the island. Some are as big as the houses that they stand in front of. Instead of wasting money, why not save some so you can afford a bigger house? Merry Xhristmas Staten Island. Your gaudiness and over-compensation for your little lives will always be reflected in everything that you do. Way to be predictable.