Jane, get me off this crazy thing...called crap.
Robots. Flying cars. 60's architecture? 80'S love ballads? Is there something seriously wrong here? There comes a point in a young man's life when he realizes the things he enjoyed as a child were actually crap. And boy, Jetsons: The Movie is perhaps the be all end all of crap; for so many reasons.

Basic plot synopsis: George gets promoted to a fledgling sprocket factory on some floating asteroid. The whole Jetson clan ups and moves to this asteroid. George begins his work and from day one there are problems, apparently due to some unseen trouble lurking in the factory. Multiple side plots later, it's found that the asteroid is inhabited by a primitive, but adorable species and that the drilling being done is ruining their home. With some translated peace talks, all wraps up nicely in the end, and the Jetson return home...to rap music.

Where do I begin? The problem with this movie, at least the main problem with this movie is that it technically mix of everything bad about the 80's, all set in a 60's style backdrop. The Jetsons were made in the 60's, so the sets in the cartoon look like something JFK would have envisioned the future would be like. While I like portrayals of the future from the past, "Retro-Future," I'm only a particular favorite of the 30's style. Why is this a bone of contention then? The soundtrack and themes reflects the 80's and it just doesn't fit! Why update the Jetsons with a movie, and completely ignore the time it was created in? That is what made it famous.

I like the 80's, I really do, but this movie takes everything I hate about it and engulfs the Jetsons in a time warp of shit. The music, typical 80's ballads, is just inappropriate. You can take a show like Transformers, born and bred in the 80's, and make a movie with an 80's soundtrack. With the Jetsons, having Judy voiced by teen-pop-sensation Tiffany, randomly start singing cause she needs a boyfriend, undermines what made the Jetsons so simple and enjoyable. On the surface you're treated to new fangled computer graphics and animation updates, but this movie has about as much in common with a Jetsons episode as my shoe does with a toilet bowl. For as the plot (if you can call it that) unravels, you realize that the movie is one giant "The more you know" PSA. Let me explain. The Jetsons go to this new place where they meet new people of different species (races). They end up all working together (harmony) to save the indigenous species of the asteroid (rainforest). They are all glad to go home because George had been spending too much time neglecting his family (family values). Now I understand that this is a children’s movie and good values are always important, but they are so obvious in this movie that you have to believe the writers made no attempt to hide them. In the end we are all taught that people of different races can work together to save the rainforest and spend more time with their family. And who's the bad guy? Mr. Spacely is, representing corporate America, looking away from the environmental impact technology has. But of course with the power of simple persistence, the multi-cultural crew warms his icy heart.

That's what gets me though. These children shows are so up on their values, but they always have unrealistic ways of solving problems. In the end, it's not reality that these little indigenous creatures, Grungies, have the ability to run the factory, re-sell the product to Spacely at a fair price and can recycle old sprockets (forgot about that important lesson) so they don't destroy their home. All tripling productivity instantaneously. WHAT THE FUCK!? Did all the goddamned Grungies go to business school? I mean really, it's pretty fucking stupid. I'd love to meet the tree huggers who decided that the Jetsons needed to stand for something, and not just make a movie relying on the Jetsons natural appeal. You know, to see the approach on the future that people had way back when the show was created. The most difficult things on the show were nothing more than a sitcom would deal with. Funny robots, gadgets that can do anything, and flying cars were all good enough to make a successful cartoon. Shoveling this shit on top of it is like saying Jesus turned water into wine to not destroy the grape crop that year.

Of course, the movie versions of any successful television show are crap anyway. Let us not forget: The Flinstones, The Brady Bunch, The Beverly Hillbillies, and many more to come. But trying to stop these things isn't possible because Hollywood has run out of fresh ideas and anything we see is either a re-make, a sequel, or a formulaic shitbomb. Fuck you Hollywood.

QUICK NOTE: Ben Affleck needs to die. If the world knows he sucks, why hasn't he found out yet?