Dear Britney
Don't even ask how I came across this. If you want to be stupid and say I visit britneyspears.com on a daily basis then you obviously don't know me. But this letter came to my attention and I think it warrants a Tom treatment. I mean does anybody really care about her this much? Enough for her to have someone write a letter for her? She most certainly didn't write it. We call those people publicists. Thanks for helping to bring humanity down a couple of notches Britney.

THE PIECE OF SHIT:
Dear Fans, (Dear young impressionable girls)

I am going to start writing this column now as often as possible. The reason being is so I can talk directly to you, my fans, who have stuck by me & who continue to support me. (I'm going to try and convince you that I'm not self-centered and the fact that I don't give a fuck about you or your well being is untrue.) Also, I'm not going to be as busy as my Mom. She's running behind my sister like crazy! (Mom can't vicariously live through me anymore because I got married, so she's resorting to paying attention to my neglected sibling.)I am also going to take some time off to enjoy life. (By Fucking.) I've actually learned to say "NO!" (Too easy.) With this newly found freedom, its like people don't know how to act around me. Should we talk to her like we did when she was 16 or like the Icon everyone says she is? (Notice the capital 'I' in 'Icon.' She obviously thinks she is some kind of deity. And who the fuck says this? Can I stab them?) My prerogative (Convenient inclusion of title of latest single) right now is to just chill & let all of the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly be your entertainment... GOOD LUCK GIRLS!! (Hopefully I won't be washed out in a year.) I'm sorry that my life seemed like it was all over the place the past 2 years, it's probably because IT WAS! (Man, you can say anything in caps these days. ALL PURPOSE FLOUR.) I understand now what they mean when they talk about child stars. Going & going & going is all I've ever known since I was 15 years old. It's amazing what advisors will push you to do, even if it means taking a naive, young, blonde girl & putting her on the cover of every magazine. (She's talking about Alf. Right?)

I know now that my knee gave out on me this past summer so that I would have no choice but to stop. My body was shutting down and needed rest. It's funny how the Man upstairs works. (So God made your knee give out? Now we can't possibly think you didn't care about letting your fans down. Oh you God; you are such a wiley character.) Right now, I have to go-- I really want to watch "Saved" with Mandy Moore and re-runs of "Sex and the City." (I will be watching these in my personal theater with gold plated ass cushions and diamond studded drinking cups. See! This is my desperate attempt to make you think I'm just like you!) I want to enjoy all of the simple things that I missed over the past few years due to working way too much. (Like Fucking.)

Being married is GREAT and I can't wait to start my family! There is so much change going on right now... not only with me, but in the world, as well. (You aren't the center of the universe!? You mean there is stuff happening outside of your life! Holy shit! Thanks for the heads up Queen Clueless.) So, the next time you see my face, hear one of my songs or even if I'm the topic of your next conversation, please remember that times are changing & so am I. (Does this mean she will have a role in the newly emerging geopolitical landscape...Nahhhh.)

Love always, Britney

P.S. I look forward to writing you all again soon. Kevin and I are finally able to take our Honeymoon!! (Fucking.)